The Art of Surrender

When someone tells you to surrender what exactly does that even mean? What exactly does that even look like? And how do you just do it? I remember being in a yoga class in my late 20s and the teacher came to the mat and spoke. And she said that attachment is the root of all suffering and in that moment I just got it. I understood. All of those years of being tortured by abusive relationships and situations and expectations of things that stayed unfinished and broken dreams. I had been slowly just suffering. Because I couldn’t control the outcomes and the outcomes were not going in my favor. However, once I started to really think about what that statement meant, that it’s about releasing the control of the uncontrollable and just letting ourselves go with what’s happening in order to find some relief. Some freedom. I think the change in the mindset is really the first place to start. I just started telling myself that the outcome was going to be the outcome regardless of how much anxiety I had over it or guilt over it or stress and worry over it. 

Have you ever been driving to the airport and you’re stuck in traffic and you need to get there and the flight is happening and you start to scream at the other drivers and you start to worry and your heart starts to pound and you start to behave as if your stress and aggression is going to get you to the airport faster? I’m just letting you know your reaction to the traffic is not going to change the outcome. It will not get you to the airport faster. The outcome is going to be exactly the same. But I think there’s biologically something inside of us that says if we panic and if we start to try to control the uncontrollable it will turn out in our favor. But I’m just going to tell you straight up that’s a lie. No outcome of fate that’s predetermined can be changed by you gripping so tightly to an idea. What a relief it is to just surrender sometimes. Give it to God or however you want to look at it. Everyone’s destiny is their own destiny and sometimes we make our lives miserable trying to force that which shouldn’t be forced. I cannot control the people around me and I cannot control most situations and so if I allow myself to emotionally detach from the outcome I have found I can breathe easy.

Take for example the day I had to close my studio on March 14. I had to really work on detaching when that happened!! Every day in March and April and even May I was ferociously googling “when will COVID be over?” “When can I open my studio on Long Island?” and asking other people questions that they themselves couldn’t answer. My favorite question to ask ANYONE was “when can I open my studio, tell me when you think?” I wasn’t asking epidemiologists or the governor or the CDC, I was asking my friends and acquaintances. Like they knew! I was holding on so tightly to this one idea; that my studio needed to be open and that people needed to physically be there for it to be a success, for it to be good, and for people to still like it. The weeks that passed by after I closed were really hard. And so much of that had to do with the fact that I was gripping to an idea of what my studio should be in the middle of this global pandemic that had no end in sight. COVID was and is in control not me. The lawmakers are in control not me so I need to stop acting as if I have some power over this virus or these decisions. It’s out of my fucking control. And as soon as I released that, I was OK. Because there’s so much that’s within my control and I just started moving full steam ahead with the things that I had the power over making great. I dropped all expectations of physically opening my studio and was able to completely pour myself into the online portion of my business. And how freeing is that? When situations don’t go the way that you had expected them to go there is great great suffering in that. There’s heartbreak and loss. There are feelings of real defeat and real sadness but I think surrendering is just re framing the situation and being at peace with giving up the need to control a desired outcome that’s uncontrollable. And so I would have to agree that detachment is the key to emotional freedom; detaching from expectations, detaching from an expected outcome. Because once you can detach from what you think should be, you begin to realize that what is just is. Brooke Pulver always says look for the lesson. Yes. Sometimes the outcome you get is the outcome you actually needed. And there lies the lesson you also needed. 

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t work hard for what you want. This has nothing to do with hard work or motivation towards a goal. What I’m saying is that the end result might look different than the one you had planned and if you grip too tightly to that one idea you are setting yourself up for serious disappointment. 

So maybe you can start to practice this in your daily life. Because I do believe doing this requires practice and training yourself to begin shifting thoughts and ideas. And start with something really small. Maybe you’re at the store and the line is really long and you can start to feel yourself getting hot and annoyed and pissed that the task of grocery shopping is taking longer than expected. We’ve all been there. You’re mad because you are attached to the idea that you should be able to go in, get what you need, and get out. But now you’re on a line, and it’s not moving and there are 200 people in the store and only one fucking cashier because isn’t that how it goes? That’s when you can practice this art of surrendering. Simply get on the line and wait. Don’t engage in the bullshit, because there are going to be other people on that line complaining and trying to suck you into the drama of the story of how the store sucks etc. But you’re on the line totally fucking detached!! Nothing bothers you. Because think about it, some part of your destiny is keeping you in that store for some reason. Maybe if you left and got in your car a totally different outcome would happen that was even more unfavorable than waiting on a line. Learn to surrender to just what is. And watch how your shoulders start to just drop away from your ears, your jaw unwinds. It has taken me a LONG TIME to get to this place. Speaking from experience you’re not always going to get it right. But that’s ok. Just start, and start small. A special event you wanted to go to got rained out? Detach and make another plan. Your phone broke? Detach and just buy a new one. Because think about it, in those situations you’re going to do the second thing anyway right? Your going to make a different plan, you’re going to buy a new phone. Getting upset and worked up over it will not change a single part of the outcome. So save yourself some stress, work through it with grace. And just see how much better that feels. Detach from the idea that the weather will always be perfect and sunny and that our phones will always just work because that’s not true. 

I have totally detached from the idea that my brick and mortar studio will be open for business in 2020. If I was still fighting that, engaging in lawsuits over it, angry about it, I’d be a fucking horrible instructor. You need me to be emotionally and mentally ok! You need me to truly bring it every single time on zoom, and it’s because I’m not carrying this burden of questioning when I can open that I can do that. I no longer ask people what they think, I no longer watch governor Cuomo’s press conferences stressed out about fitness studios being mentioned. I actually have totally detached. And it’s given me the emotional space in my body to continue to work hard and bring you something amazing every week. 

And on that note, I must mention that you all have carried me through this. Everyday you send me beautiful emails and messages about how I’m carrying you, but you must know that you’re equally carrying me. I never started this to be a business, I started this because I felt deeply we needed more community, more support, more love. We needed a method of movement that was engaging and transformative. Those are the things that continue to drive me. I’m driven by your dedication and belief in me. I hope you know I care about each and every person who is doing this thing with me. So thank you. For real. Thank you with all the gratitude I could ever give.